Self-sabotage — sounds so James Bondish, doesn’t it? And I must say there have been times this month when I felt out-maneuvered by phantom forces. Those forces? Just life being life. That is the curse of too much planning and too many expectations. When I fall into that trap, I can become paralyzed in procrastination. Things aren’t working out? Just avoid EVERYTHING. Well, it’s not quite that dramatic, but that pretty much describes the funk I have gotten myself into this October. I could have pulled from one of the many blog ideas I have ready in the wings. I could have dismissed my absence with a breezy, “Oh, I have been so busy this month, where did the time go” as an explanation for not posting a blog since October first. But that wouldn’t be honest. I promised my readers I would portray the ebb and flow of The Precious Days as authentically as possible.

I am learning so much about myself as the rhythm of the days, weeks, months, years, and especially seasons unfold. I have imposed some pressures on myself in the form of unrealistic expectations about how my life “should be.” Oh, I’d love to go with the flow so much it hurts, but I am not wired that way. For my entire work life I had to have a plan, a design, a framework that would help to make sense of multi-faceted goals and competing priorities. That’s the kind of hard-wiring that is difficult to shake. That careful planning and mapping and evaluating worked so well for me. Yet, one of the lessons I was loath to learn is that it has never worked for me in my personal life. If anything, I find a myriad of ways to rebel against it…to self-sabotage.

There are things about me that I guess I thought would magically disappear once I was no longer working. WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I find a lot of magic in my life, but spontaneous change of life-long struggles isn’t one of them. Darn. Readers, retirement is not my magic bullet. Womp, womp.

In The Thin Line Between Self-Care and Self-Sabotage published in Medium, author Rachel Bonifacio points out the dark side of “self-care.” In many ways, retirement can feel like an opportunity for one long Saturday night of self-care. In the article, wellness coach and psychological counselor Rachel defines real self-care as “consciously choosing to engage in activities that will allow you to live the kind of life you want to create for yourself.” Okay, so that’s what I was going for. Where did I go wrong? Rachel again: “Self-care is all about facing, befriending, accepting, and moving forward with your shadow self, i.e. the parts of you that you think are not aligned to the life you’re trying to create or those that you don’t want to admit that you have (insecurities and weaknesses).” Oh…hello, shadow.

Rachel goes on to describe “self-care” as an umbrella with lots of categories that can actually get us out of balance if there is “too much” of a need to fill our lives with these categories. She further describes self-sabotage in much the same way, and the following categories really resonated with, at the very least, October me: numbing, procrastination, over-committing and unrealistic expectations, and another very interesting category she calls, “searching for chaos.” Hmmm….

Mercifully, Rachel lists some strategies that are very doable and wise. They all begin with practicing mindfulness and pressing the pause button (much like I am trying to do with this blog post), and then asking yourself the following questions:

What is the intention of this behavior or activity?

• Will I feel emotionally or mentally recharged later by doing this now?

• Is this something I need to do for self-maintenance?

• What am I trying to avoid or escape from?

• Which dimension of my well-being am I supporting by choosing this?

• Will my future self thank me later? Or will my future self experience suffer or regret?

• Will this allow me to do the things I need to accomplish more effectively?

• Am I acting wisely or am I acting out my inner child?

The article is helping me think through my own “October Surprise” (and I do plan on having a much more flow-worthy November, my favorite month) with a great deal more reflection and compassion. Journaling has really helped. I highly recommend giving the article a close read if you ever experience something similar.

I write posts like this as a cautionary tale, in solidarity with those who are retired or thinking about it. There are wonderful days of flow and joy and intense appreciation. But it’s my mistake to think they will just unfold, like “yup, this is my life now, ain’t it grand?” That may sound overly simplistic, but in reflecting on “what the heck just happened” in the last month, I can see that was the issue for me. Slow days, autumn color, long solitary walks, yoga and meditation, good books, cozy sweaters, learning new things, etc. — that was the grand “self-care” plan for fall, a season I love so much it actually hobbled me when it didn’t go as planned. Home improvement construction (lots of it), inside and out, filled the sunny beautiful days of October. It seemed like the few days where I could get back on track with things I love were replaced with stress, paint cans, rain, and migraines. Then, another set of construction guys entered the picture. That’s not self-sabotage…that’s just life. The self-sabotage comes in the way I experience those things. In my former life, I would just throw myself into work as a distraction — “this too shall pass.” What I noticed about myself this October was not tactical distraction, but pure avoidance/procrastination patterns (see the categories from the article). And now the calendar days have flown by like a segue scene from an old black and white movie. I felt my beautiful fall reset had turned into a full-on shut down. If this post had a sound effect it would be the screeching of car brakes. And I think I got out of my own way just in time.

This quote came into my life at the right time. It introduces a very helpful article from Zen Habits entitled 12 Practical Steps for Learning to Go with the Flow. It reminds me that of all the things I wanted so desperately to learn, to begin, meditation still is at the top of the list. Each time I have tried, I have either been so antsy I felt like fleeing or so relaxed that I simply fell asleep. The lesson in this is clear — those struggles are exactly why I need to show up, put in the mental sweat, and learn. It won’t kill me, but it might, indeed, make me stronger. My body is screaming for me to stick with the goal of stretching. I eschewed The Stretching Sidekick because it was too rigid and boring. That’s that self-sabotage again. I’m clever enough to adjust it and make it work for me. SarahBSeeking of the Time and Other Thieves podcast reminded me about Adriene on YouTube. I used to love those videos…I can come back and give it another try…slowly. No pressure. And I do love that Julia Cameron 12 week course…and if it becomes 12 months and I only intermittently do an Artist Date, that is totally fine. I love the writing parts and the solitary walks. I just don’t want the self-pressure. Now that’s the form of self-care I need that won’t lead to self-sabotage. I feel I am approaching this period of my life, this desire to learn to “go with the flow” in alignment with the steps outlined in the Zen Habits article:

1. Realize that you can’t control everything.

2. Become aware.

3. Breathe.

4. Get perspective.

5. Practice.

6. Baby steps.

7. Laugh.

8. Keep a journal.

9. Meditate.

10. Realize that you can’t control others.

11. Accept change and imperfection.

12. Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty.

We are all going to experience retirement differently, so I do appreciate it when women share their ups and downs in the Comments. I had my first session with my women’s group for a new phase for us all. This session was led by Annie of Annie’s Journey. One of the things I love most about these women is the way we gently support each other. They actually inspired this post. All these joys, sorrows, setbacks, and triumphs are valid…they are parts of who we are. Although I may share a lot of my own missteps, I have never felt like any attempt at learning was a failure. That especially goes for my attempts at learning more about myself living The Precious Days.