A Small World for an Unsolved Heart
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A little over two weeks has passed since I started the draft of this blog post. I am still not sure how to write about this. At first, I felt lost and there was something akin to a constant, disconcerting noise that exhausted me as I tried to both block out and listen carefully. There is still so much to say, but I am feeling the words that need to be said have already been said or are becoming lost…lost in uncertainty, daily shock waves, and trying to find my way….and sometimes lost, once again, in an eddy of disbelief, sadness, and grief.
There is, of course, much to I worry about. I worry for so many people. “You’ll be fine,” someone says. “You are missing the point,” I counter. I don’t look for leadership that ensures I will be fine. I look for leaders who will make sure EVERYONE is fine. I was telling a friend, as women, we want to shield and protect the vulnerable. Empower them to be safe by walking with them — but there is so much I can never know about the pain and suffering of others. Holding space to listen, to not let voices be “othered,” and to remind myself of the futility of “just my opinion” weren’t enough. Intellectually, I knew my vote was not a personal savior, but it never occurred to me that the majority of our votes wouldn’t be a collective one. I am moving from gob-smacked and numb to formulating a plan. I am making my way forward by groping around, trying on what it might feel like to be alert and curious, and rethinking “community.”
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I am making my world smaller. I take lots of solitary walks. Tons of poetry and fiction that take me far away from the post-mortem are my sacred texts. Coffee on the deck bundled up by a fire watching the morning mist burn off in the backyard under pink skies at sunrise—that’s my sacred space right now. My circle of friends has become a bit smaller. Our conversations have been anxious, and we prioritize our availability to each other. Slowly, I am moving from fear and anger to feeling a greater sense of efficacy. I am fortunate to live in a state that feels safe and responsive. The leaders here listen, they connect with people. We know them all by their first names, and we don’t hesitate to reach out. One of the first actions I took was to write the Governor’s Office, sharing my fears and asking for him to share a plan. And the office responded. I will do a lot of letter writing and making phone calls to state leaders. At the national level, I especially trust and have faith in my representative to the House, Becca Balint and our long-time Senator Bernie Sanders. Both have shown themselves to be leaders who will do what is in the best interest of all Vermonters and all Americans. My husband and I are discussing ways to be more involved in our small community. We are being very intentional about where we spend our money, trying to keep as much of it as possible very local. Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front by Wendell Berry is my guidebook for my small world. We care deeply about our neighbors, and try to make sure they know it — that they can count on us. There is so much that is out of my control right now. What can I influence to protect others? What can I control to protect my peace? Those are my essential questions.
“We must refrain from going on the attack only for attack’s sake. We must engage in spoken and written discourse always on the supposition that a genuine attempt to understand another’s views is the prerequisite for critique and judgment of those views. The ideal end of moral conversation is to reach a point of mutually acceptable agreement, no matter how thin, instead of aiming for an intellectual knockout. Absent this agreement, all moral conversationalists must be able to leave the dialogue, at the very least, with dignity and integrity fully intact.”
I have always had a robust relationship with my moral outrage. As I have aged, I have tried to channel such conviction into knowing and verifying facts and understanding data and evidence. A dear friend’s husband, Professor Robert Nash, taught his students at the University of Vermont “to find the error in what you espouse and the truth in what you oppose.” This is how he succinctly described the moral conversation. The best I can muster up is to commit to not being dispassionate, and a bit more patient with myself. What does that look like? What follows is how Rilke described it. And later on in this blog, a Native American story reveals another kind of internal moral conversation….
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
There are so many questions. Too many questions means too much uncertainty, which has always been excruciatingly hard for me. I am a “make it happen” kind of person…definitely not the “wait and see, time will tell” type. Although I don’t think I am ready to embrace uncertainty, none of the answer scenarios I am coming up with is helping. So I will live the questions, “What will bring me peace today? What self-reflection might soothe my unsolved heart?” Enter the blank page.
“Anyone who writes is a seeker. You look at a blank page and you’re seeking. The role is assigned to us and never removed. I think this is an unbelievable blessing. ”
Writing is how I find my way. Bearing witness and pausing for reflection through writing is an important part of how I live each day. Since the election, three Morning Pages, religiously every day, haven’t been nearly enough. I find myself picking up journals, notebooks, and random scraps of paper in various rooms to capture words that express thoughts and feelings as I try to make sense of things. Processing through both writing and important conversations with my husband and my very small circle of friends leads to more reflective writing, and in turn, uncovered blessings.
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“If you feed them right, they both win. You see, if I only choose to feed the Light wolf, the Dark wolf will be hiding around every corner waiting for me to become distracted or weak and jump to get the attention he craves. He will always be angry and will always fight the Light wolf. But if I acknowledge him, he is happy and the Light wolf is happy and we all win. For the Dark wolf has many qualities — tenacity, courage, fearlessness, strong-willed and great strategic thinking–that I have need of at times. These are the very things the Light wolf lacks. But the Light wolf has compassion, caring, strength and the ability to recognize what is in the best interest of all. You see, son, the Light wolf needs the Dark wolf at his side. To feed only one would starve the other and they will become uncontrollable. To feed and care for both means they will serve you well and do nothing that is not a part of something greater, something good, something of life. Feed them both and there will be no more internal struggle for your attention. And when there is no battle inside, you can listen to the voices of deeper knowing that will guide you in choosing what is right in every circumstance. Peace, my son, is the Cherokee mission in life. A man or a woman who has peace inside has everything. A man or a woman who is pulled apart by the war inside him or her has nothing. How you choose to interact with the opposing forces within you will determine your life. Starve one or the other or guide them both.”
According to plan, one of celebration, one of consolation, Louise Penny’s newest book, The Grey Wolf was waiting to be opened by me the day after the election. Returning to the world of Three Pines and the gentle and fierce wisdom of Chief Inspector Armand Gamache could not have come at a better time. Without risking any spoilers, aspects of this newest story bring us back to Saint-Gilbert-Entre-les-Loups Monastery, a setting and characters we were introduced to in her book A Beautiful Mystery. Once again, we hear the Native American story of the two wolves. Whether you have read the books or not, you may be familiar with the story, which usually ends with the question “Which wolf will win?” and the corollary answer, “The one that you feed.” But a little research reveals there is more to the story, which I have referenced above. As I read the story, and did some additional research, I was struck by how the election had brought out the two wolves in me. I was indeed feeling “pulled apart by the war inside me.” Living in a small world means living with peace inside, feeding and understanding both wolves. My small world must still be the real world, and living in that world needs to be guided by both compassion and courage.
The Peace of Wild Things
by Wendell Berry
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
A few days after the election I found myself at the dentist. Looking out the large window into the wooded outdoor area as I waited for the dentist, I saw a pileated woodpecker circling round the tree closest to the window. I suddenly felt flooded with a calmness and sense of peace that I had not felt in many, many days. I have a fondness for the woodpecker family, and I have always felt there was a spiritual significance to their visits. It turns out I may have been right. In her blog post entitled “Spiritual Meaning Of Seeing A Woodpecker - What Does The Woodpecker symbolize?” Kristin Smith of Whispering Wing Healings, explains the potential significance of my encounter that afternoon:
“If you happen to see a Woodpecker at any time of the year and also happen to be going through a time where you are feeling less supported than you would like, take heart. Spirit is indeed sending you a Spiritual Friend, if you will, to encourage you to continue on through the struggles and to help you feel less alone. The Woodpecker can be seen as a placeholder of sorts, promising a time when you will again connect with those who are aligned with your being. Many times you will mend fences with those who became unaligned with your journey at some juncture. At other times these endings will be permanent. Either way, the underlying meaning of your interaction with the Woodpecker could be to comfort you. You may be being reminded that this time of heartache or any loneliness is just temporary.”
The pileated woodpecker is my wood drake. It’s telling me, “This time of heartache is just temporary.”
In my still-forming small world, I am grateful to have occupied the dystopian space of these past few weeks with philosophers, poets, authors, and storytellers. They have not failed me in these tumultuous and fraught times. Each one has brought me peace, comfort, and much-needed distraction. They have reminded me to listen, to try to critically understand a deeply flawed world, live the questions, pause with patience, find what I am seeking in a blank page, to feed and guide both wolves…and to “rest in the grace of the world.”
