“I’ll Have What She’s Having”
To mark a big important idea like International Women’s Day today, I will take this opportunity to honor it in a very personal way by celebrating my friend of over 40 years, Maddie. As we age, our women friends become even more central to the joy in our lives, and the appreciation we have for them seems to soar. Last fall, our Women Rowing North leader, Helen, gave our alumni group the writing topic,“Who is that Older Woman?” I knew when I read one of the prompts, “Is there someone older than you who makes growing older inspiring? Who is your aging idol and why?” that I would write about my dear friend, Maddie. The idea of having an “aging idol” as we move into our elder woman years (thank you writing group fellow, Jennifer, for such a beautiful turn of a phrase) is just plain smart. Having aging inspiration can help to keep this last major life journey both positive and forward-focused. While many women may feel their best years are behind them, an aging role model can show you something very different.
In her Medium post, Who Are Your Role Models For Successful Aging?, M. Elizabeth Blair sites research from Blue Zones at bluezones.com that suggests that having aging role models with certain attributes can positively affect your own views on aging. My friend Maddie’s positive attributes are very aligned with the “Blue Zone’s Power 9.” Most importantly, Maddie has always been such a powerful role model for me as an elder because she has long possessed characteristics that focus on good health, a strong sense of moral purpose, and a loving friendship community of women. I have learned from her modeling for over 40 years now, and happily, I’m still learning.
You may remember the scene from When Harry Met Sally where the woman in the deli, after watching a stellar performance by Sally, tells the server, “I’ll have what she’s having.” I thought I’d borrow the line as the title for my essay, and use it in a different context. 😉 If aging is what my friend Maddie has been doing—getting more fabulous and wonderful with each year—then yes, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
I’ll Have What She’s Having
At 67 years old, my mornings are both comfortably familiar and pointedly uncertain. Happy as I am to simply wake up, it’s not long before the bumpy migration of cells in my aging body commands my attention. Pain over here; spasm over there. I have arrived at that space in life that reminds me I’ve lost valuable time in caring for my body, and now must play a frantic game of “beat the clock.” One glance in a mirror, and I am quickly reminded that increasing amounts of wrinkling, sagging skin is slowly mummifying me in flesh-colored crepe paper.
Mercifully, a morning text distracts me from an unhealthy relationship with the bathroom magnifying mirror. It’s Maddie from Philly. Now there is someone with gorgeous skin. In the past I treated my skin like the interior of a car, a generous swipe of an Armor All-like wipe was just fine. Since we met about 40 years ago, Maddie practiced an impressive self–care routine, long before it was its own industry. Maddie is on my mind so often as I stumble through this aging journey. She makes me think about the many aspects of life that bring me a sense of joy and purpose as I age, that were inspired by the example of women friends, like Maddie.
At 82, Maddie is still one of my most beautiful friends. Hair styled in an edgy cut, her lovely Greek/Armenian features are still sharp and distinctive against that smooth, wrinkle-free skin. I am in awe of her timeless beauty, generous spirit, mental sharpness, and unflagging resilience. A few years ago, Maddie lost her daughter unexpectedly. It is something that could have broken her as she approached 80. But she graciously accepted our love and support; she let us in. It would have been so easy to shut the world out during such heartbreak. That experience with her taught me how important it is to open up my world to others as the years collect. So I nurture my friendships now, and I cling to moments connecting with Maddie during what could be the final phase of our friendship.
Fifteen years older than me, I cannot remember a time when Maddie wasn’t a role model in my life. When we worked together in the 80’s and 90’s, snatches of time in her crow’s nest office were filled with discussions about our students: sharing observations, celebrating achievements, and sometimes sobbing over failures and planning to address looming fears. From Maddie, I received the sage advice my younger self desperately needed, along with an introduction to the ethics of care and how to live a purpose-driven life as an educator. Admiration and inspiration characterized those seminal years of friendship. We also spent countless hours just talking while sharing meals, cups of tea, and glasses of wine. Our ups and downs were chalked up to growth experiences, and Maddie was quick to forgive whenever I needed it. And there was laughter–so much laughter and joy.
Now, about once a month, I see Maddie over Zoom during our book group and catch-ups. My dear friend does show some signs of aging, but remarkably few. I don’t really see them. As I listen, my mind wanders to a continuous loop of memories from our shared past. Each frame in time is awash with hues of irresistibly vibrant colors. Rich amethyst-toned purples, brilliant azure blues, vivid fuchsias, lemony yellows, and coral pinks. Maddie always dressed in striking, saturated colors, full of energy – she simply radiated. I remember in my thirties shrouding myself in mostly black clothes, thinking how sophisticated and thin I must look. Part of me envied Maddie’s colorful silks and bold rainbow of natural cottons. I remember asking her about her love of color. She said, “When you get to a certain age, you’ll love colors.” Recently I purchased a bright periwinkle cotton sweater and thought, “Maddie would love this.” From her wild hair to her artisan earrings, Maddie was teaching me hippie-chic before boho even became “a thing.” So despite the difference in our ages, Maddie was always my coolest friend, and now, the coolest octogenarian I know.
Being with Maddie has been an intellectual field trip–the best liberal arts education I could have had. Through our friendship she shared provocative ideas, progressive ideals, and a love of good books, all giving me so much to aspire to. Ann Patchett wrote, “Some of us have lives that revolve around the humanities the way the planets circle the sun.” Maddie shared such a life with me. It was a glorious time to be young and have an older, more knowledgeable and worldly friend to pester to tell me everything about how she knew what she knew.
On Maddie’s fiftieth birthday, she was a bit blue. Still in my thirties, the arrival of my own half century mark seemed far away. “You’re 50 Maddie,” I said, “just like Linda McCartney. Two of the coolest women in the world are 50, and YOU are one of them!” I knew if that was 50, I had a lot to look forward to. Maddie sailed through her sixtieth birthday, and I remember thinking if that’s 60, sign me up. In her sixties, my forties, we went to plays together, lectures at the university, and shared a love of poems and quotes through sending arty, “no occasion cards” to each other.
Around Maddie’s seventieth birthday, another friend and I visited her at the school she was still working at as a guidance counselor. My friend asked her if her colleagues had made a big deal about her seventieth birthday, which had just passed. “When you're seventy and still working, you don’t call attention to your septuagenarian birthdays,” she smirked. Made perfect sense to me.
I look at Maddie now, in her eighties, and realize I look up to her and need her as much as I ever did, perhaps more. Thanks to Maddie, I am navigating this time of my life full of resolve to care for my health, cultivate a headspace full of rich and engaging thoughts and ideas, read voraciously, to cherish my friends, and finally welcome some color into my life. Connecting with Maddie makes me realize the memories of a shared past were the groundwork for a fulfilling present. Gratitude doesn’t seem adequate. Lives I thought would be forever entwined with mine through lovingly bound threads of shared experience are starting to unravel with time. I know time is not the friend of people my age, and it is even more fickle when you are the age of my dear friend, Maddie. But there is time enough to acknowledge how deeply I appreciate all that Maddie has added and continues to add to my life. Reliving the joys of decades of friendship with Maddie, and all she has inspired in me, is one of the best parts of having her in my life. Now, we can finally age together.
Do you have an “aging idol” ? Share in the Comments.
