I’m Sorry…For A Bunch of Random Things
A disclaimer: This is a bit of an odd post. It started with the final topic for my Women Rowing North Writing Group, “Living with Intention.” It was a really tough one for me, and I went down a lot of pathways from the past…maybe too many. When I got to the point of my life when my career was finally over, something I’d put decades into, a career that was inseparable from my identity, I was scared. Scary to think that I would actually be in the process of building a new life as a “retired” person. Compared to what is behind me, it feels like I have so little time. Also with a topic like that, it made me think a lot about what I had done in my life, and what I hadn’t done in my life, especially outside of my career…big sigh. Some people live their lives like a beer commercial - “You Only Go Around Once in Life!” Sometimes I think I lived much of mine more like one long “Dear Abby” letter, whining about the sins of omission, wringing my hands in the pain of regret, and playing a waiting game.
“It's permitted to receive solace for whatever you did or didn't do, pitiful, beautiful human.”
There are many actions in my life I am sorry for. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to let those actions overshadow things I should appreciate and be grateful for. I feel like my life story would be a Book of T Charts: Times I tried too hard | Times I didn’t try hard enough; Problems I obsessed over | Important things I brushed off; Times I disappointed myself | Times I overachieved…you get the point. I want to say I am sorry to the people who got caught up in some of my life kerfuffle because I am sure I was insufferable during those times. At this point in my life, I have lots of time to think about things as I look back. I try to tell myself not to dwell too much on things in the past that cannot be changed. But I also know how I can be. So when almost out of nowhere this amazing poem, How to Apologize by Ellen Bass, appeared in my life I took it as a sign. I was catching up on old Lyric Life podcasts, and the host was unpacking the lines and putting the poem back together. And it felt like it was all for my benefit. It felt healing. It was solace. Nothing can do that like a poem.
“Unharness yourself from your weary stories”
Retirement, third act, final countdown…maybe for the first time in a long life of being sorry about things, I’m beginning to finally feel I’m on solid ground. I am tired of those stories of wrong turns and false notes, and I am not sorry, but thankful to let them go. “Let go!” a woman in my women’s group said, and I heard those two words as a warrior’s call, a rallying cry, an anthem. I no longer feel caught in the things I’ve spent so much time and energy worrying about, beating myself up about, regretting, or even genuinely trying to change. Miraculously, they and a poem led me to the here and now. And you know what? I freaking love it here! I am grateful for this time and space in my life. And I am especially grateful for the people in my life who have put up with me for so many years…and accepted the fish with love (wink).
“There is much to fear as a creature caught in time, but this is safe. You need no defense. This is just another way to know you are alive.”
How to Apologize
by Ellen Bass
Cook a large fish—choose one with many bones, a skeleton
you will need skill to expose, maybe the flying
silver carp that's invaded the Great Lakes, tumbling
the others into oblivion. If you don't live
near a lake, you'll have to travel.
Walking is best and shows you mean it,
but you could take a train and let yourself
be soothed by the rocking
on the rails. It's permitted
to receive solace for whatever you did
or didn't do, pitiful, beautiful
human. When my mother was in the hospital,
my daughter and I had to clear out the home
she wouldn't return to. Then she recovered
and asked, incredulous,
How could you have thrown out all my shoes?
So you'll need a boat. You could rent or buy,
but, for the sake of repairing the world,
build your own. Thin strips
of Western red cedar are perfect,
but don't cut a tree. There'll be
a demolished barn or downed trunk
if you venture further.
And someone will have a mill.
And someone will loan you tools.
The perfume of sawdust and the curls
that fall from your plane
will sweeten the hours. Each night
we dream thirty-six billion dreams. In one night
we could dream back everything lost.
So grill the pale flesh.
Unharness yourself from your weary stories.
Then carry the oily, succulent fish to the one you hurt.
There is much to fear as a creature
caught in time, but this
is safe. You need no defense. This
is just another way to know
you are alive.
“How to Apologize” originally appeared in The New Yorker (March 15, 2021).
And on a Lighter Note, Let’s Catch Up!
Trying on a new feature as a way to catch you up on what’s going on in The Precious Days of my life since I last blogged. I hope you’ll use the Comments to catch us up on what’s going on for you, too. Let’s build this community!
ENJOYING
-Planning on paper with my new planner—why is there so much joy in stickers???
-Digging into Julia Cameron’s 12-week coursework, especially the solitary walks on sunny days (which I will never again take for granted).
-Moving (albeit out of step) to @TheFitnessMarshall dance videos on YouTube (not really loving The Stretching Sidekick I wrote about…at least not yet anyway)!
-Making my own cold brew with Starbucks Ground Fall Blend for fall iced coffees with lots of ice and a huge glug of Silk Pumpkin Spice Almond Creamer.
READING
-Fiction: Just started Riley Sager’s The Last Time I Lied. I like his books, and I like a balance of page turners and cozy mysteries this time of year. If you have any cozy fall mystery recommendations that aren’t too sugary or romance-focused (I like a good small town whodunit if I am going to go cozy), drop your suggestions in the Comments!
-Nonfiction: Still focusing on Julia Cameron’s It’s Never Too Late to Begin Again. A woman in WRN mentioned Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic, which is sitting on my bookshelf. That may be next.
WATCHING
-Becoming Frida Kahlo on PBS. Watching the first episode was my version of an “Artist Date” for this week. I was introduced to Kahlo’s art in a graduate school class on Socially Conscious Art at UVM taught by Professor David Conrad (such a wonderful man) and have been a Kahlo devotee ever since.
-The original Peyton Place TV soap opera series starring Ryan O’Neal and Mia Farrow. Episode one begins as the end of summer turns into fall, so it seemed appropriate to follow along as the days here feel like an autumn welcome. I remember this being on TV when I was in grade school in the mid-sixties, but my pearl-clutching mother wouldn’t allow us (or any babysitters) to watch it. I am sure I snuck in an episode or two at my gramma’s house. There are over 500 episodes of the original series, so I think I may be all binged out by episode 100.
LISTENING
-Joni Mitchell’s Blue…I always seem to start playing this album on repeat as we enter the BER months.
-The Archers on BBC Radio 4 Sounds (via Spotify)…This serial has captured my imagination, and I am hooked. Taking this imaginary daily trip to The Midlands of England, I have fallen in love with the families, farm life, and village-related drama.
-Picking a different fall playlist from Spotify each day for Morning Pages and reading time.
Catch us up on The Precious Days of your life in the Comments.
